Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
