she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
