Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
