He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
