Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
