i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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