pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
