im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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