woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
