he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Pants are for mortals
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
