and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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