My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
