it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
