I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
