Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
