i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
