I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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