so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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