My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
