i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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