It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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