matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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