im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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