I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
