so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
