Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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