True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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