Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
