I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
