phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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