cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
