so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
