I want to have your abortion
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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