I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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