I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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