I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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