Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
