Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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