Don't make out with my wife yet
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
