y did u give ur computer a hand job?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
