she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
