I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
