I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
