Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
