I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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