seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
