Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
