Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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