Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
