But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
