so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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